I don't know if it is because of the accident, or if it is pregnancy hormones or what but I just can't stop crying today.
I'm not crying about the accident, but it seems that everything is affecting me. The Hunk got up this morning to go have the car towed. He took the Kidlet with him so that I could get some sleep since I had barely gotten any. I talked to him briefly before he left and after he did finally go, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I got up and dressed, got something to eat and called him to see where he was at and thought maybe he could pick me up. He was already on his way to the dealership, driving behind the tow truck. There was no need to go anywhere after that because it was nearly time for him to leave for work as it was. It just totally depressed me that I started crying after I got off the phone with him. Just the thought that I wasted the entire morning and didn't hang out with him pissed me off.
So after I got off the phone with him, I just looked around my house and felt like I was suffocating (not phyiscally) because there is still so much to do. With the clarity and force of a brick wall it hit me that I'm not going to have enough time to finish everything. I have been telling myself that I still have 2+ weeks before my Mom gets here. Even 2 weeks isn't enough time in my opinion to ransack my house and purge it of everything that I want to and re-organize it. The realization though that honestly, this baby could be born any day now. I'm only 3 weeks away from my due date. That's not too early. I may not have two weeks, I may not have two days. What am I going to do? I started balling again feeling overwhelmed.
My house sickens me these days. The carpet is disgusting and it seems as though there is clutter and junk pouring out of every possible space there is. I've always been a packrat but this is ridiculous. The bathroom needs cleaning so bad, it has that yucky moisture smell to it and I just can't stand it. I'm ashamed I could even let myself live this way.
I've been so proud of the way that I have been keeping the kitchen clean and even now there are dishes in the sink and dishes in the dishwasher that need to be put away. I don't have my hospital bag packed at all and frankly don't have anything to go in it. The only thing I can think of is the cameras. I have no night gowns and it seems that I can't think of any thing else to take. I even have a good suggested list of things to take and I still can't think of anything!
My MIL is watching the Kidlet and he's going to spend the night over there. This is my chance to really get stuff done and I don't even know where to begin. I have 30 loads of laundry probably and I can't even walk into my walk in closet because of all the junk that is in there. I can hardly walk into my own bedroom! I totally feel like I live in one of those houses that you see on the show Cops. Granted, rationally I know it isn't that bad but it's bad enough. It's the clutter. There's just too much damn stuff in my house and bringing in all this baby furniture isn't helping and the bassinet is the only thing that's put together! I can't imagine what things will look like when I have everything put together taking up every inch on every wall.
I can't stop crying. I hope this is just pregnancy hormones. I don't want this time to be stressfull. This is supposed to be the happy, anticipatory time of expecting my baby and bringing him home and making him apart of my family and knowing that my Mom will probably get to be here for all that.
God, I haven't even cleaned out the couch bed yet!
I'd better go, I'm wasting precious minutes.
2:40 p.m. - 03-05-04
Recent entries:
New Playground - 03-14-09
- - 02-25-05
Parting is such sweet sorrow....but not just yet. - 02-23-05
I'm still here.... - 02-18-05
A loss to much to bear - 02-09-05
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